We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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