well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
