Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
