im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
