my sisters under your porch take her home
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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