You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy