Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
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thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"