He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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