I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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