in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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