dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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