If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
