My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
