I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
