So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
