did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
