o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
