i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
