ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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