YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
