My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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