He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
