I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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