Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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