I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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