He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
