Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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