I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
