Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
