I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
