I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
