You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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