It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
