I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
