I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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