I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
