Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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