She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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