didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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