Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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