the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
