Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
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It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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