dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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