Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
