In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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