Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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