woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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