I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
