is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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