I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
