Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
So drunk its hurt
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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