Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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