Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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