I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
